Good writing is revised and revised and revised
again. Everyone who writes does this. This week I offer a revised
version of an earlier student example essay.
Hopefully, this essay is now clearer and easier to
follow than originally. I’ve bolded the steps in order, and as well
made the topic and concluding sentences clearer. Also, I’ve listed
what each type of sentence is and does. I invite your comments as to
what might work even better. I am in the Lab Tuesday and Thursday
afternoons in the coming September – June/11 (as of this date).
Generally, the work of doing the essay hasn’t
changed. I have detailed this in my weeklies The Essay
Parts One,
Two and
Three, if you’d like more
information. Essentially, choose a topic and brainstorm (if you
learn best by reading) or concept map (if you learn better by
pictures) for ideas. Following the academic essay format, write your
three body paragraphs first, and then do your Introduction and
Conclusion paragraphs. (more at “Mirror Image,” writing the
Introduction and Conclusion) Good luck! The revised student example
essay follows.
Example Student Essay
The Wonders of Ice Cream
(main words capitalized)
A Standard 5-Paragraph Academic Essay
Dessert is the most wonderful part of a meal. (most
general sentence) I have never met anyone, from any part of the
world, who did not like dessert best. (Use of “I”= more specific
sentence) The best dessert is ice cream because it tastes
delicious, is liked by almost everyone, and it can link us to happy
childhood memories. (thesis statement with 3 points named)
First, ice cream tastes better than any other
food. (1st thesis point in general topic sentence) What food
can rival its creamy smoothness, or the delicious feeling of this
soft, cold dessert as it slips down your throat? (specific
descriptive sent., support) I don’t know of any other food that
feels as good and clean in your mouth or of any food that comes in
so many mouth-watering flavours. (specific description) At La
Casa Gelato, for example, you can choose from over 218 flavours!
(see June 20/10 Tazim’s Weekly)
(specific example) In fact, today you can even get ice cream
with protein in it, as the soy ice creams have. (specific
information sentence) Ice cream is really good. (concluding
sentence) Who knows? (question to reader) Ice cream may
soon be a complete meal on its own! (Link to Body Paragraph 2)
Second, while it might not yet be a complete meal
on its own, it can be served after almost every meal for everyone
likes it. (2nd thesis point in topic sentence) It can be a
common thread between strangers. (declarative, information,
support) Whether you have important out-of-town guests, or are
just entertaining family and friends, ice cream is the perfect
after-meal treat. (information) Vanilla ice cream is at home
at any important dinner. (information) Family and friends, on
the other hand, are sure to like Neapolitan, a happy mix of
chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. (description) Even fussy,
hard-to-please (hyphenated adjective) are sure to be tempted
by this universal dessert! (information) Ice cream is certain to
please everyone, (concluding clause) and it can link us to
happy childhood memories. (link to Body 3)
Third, many of us have happy childhood memories
linked to ice cream. (3rd main thesis point in topic sentence)
In my family, it was used as a reward when my sisters and I were
especially good, and it was the best part of the birthday meal. (declarative,
information, support) It was even used as a comfort
when some small thing had gone wrong. (information) One day,
for example, I thought I would just check to see if that dull, grey
stove ring was as hot as my parents had always warned me it was. (example
begins) It didn’t look hot. I reached up and touched it.
Ouch! Needless to say, they were right. It was burning hot! To make
me feel better, out came the ice cream. (example ends)
For good things and bad, ice cream was, and still is, the best
choice. (concluding sentence)
Ice cream is a wonderfully tasty dessert food that
has universal appeal and takes us back to happy times. (restated
thesis) It is the perfect ready-made dessert and is available
in so many good flavours. (information, more general) Ice cream is
delicious. (information, most general) I’m
hungry! Are you? (2-sentence hook to engage the reader)
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